Why Do People Pay To Advertise on Their Persons?

It used to be that people merely purchased articles of clothing featuring logos and slogans of major corporations and then wore them in public to, one assumes, demonstrate an affinity with Pepsi. ("It's bubbly, like me!")

I'm not talking about the free stuff you get when you're in line for a summer movie and some kinda attractive, kinda creepy in that if-I-didn't-work-in-marketing-I'd-totally-be-a-glue-sniffing-junkie-way person cajoles you into taking a Winston Lights t-shirt that you only wear at the gym or use when you change your oil (though you're probably not a change-your-own-oil kind of person--so few of us are these days--let's just use "change your oil" here to represent some dirty, clothing-ruining, rag-creating job you'd only use the dumbassedest t-shirt in your drawer to accomplish).

I'm talking about the stuff that people pay their own (or a parent's, or a sugarmomma's, or a hard-working immigrant ancestor's) hard-earned money for in order to expand their wardrobe. And, dude, don't mean to be harsh or bitter (no, I mean to be smooth and rich-tasting), I'm also talking about Izod shirts or Adidas shorts or anything where the logo is a prominent part of the design.

Why do I have a problem with proud prominent parading of product placements? Because it makes you/me/us look like suckers, paying to spread some vaguely cool, blandly uplifting corporate message/lifestyle/brand. (And don't tell me your Mr. Bubble Beefy-T is okay because it's ironic. Irony is just another word for Licking the Stiletto-Heeled Boots of Received Wisdom (though looking good while doing it).)

But now people are tattooing logos on their backs or auctioning off their foreheads or cleavage (front and behind) to display ads for creepy if-we-weren't-selling-a-dubious-product-we'd-be-glue-sniffing-junkies corporations. WHY????????? Sure, the people who do this are INSANE. But they get the nearly-sane among us asking, "How come I'M not auctioning off my forehead to GoldenPalace.com? I could use $20K/$5K/$40."

Let me tell you something--I know it might sound rent-my-forehead-crazy, but it's true: there was a time when people thought paying good, hard-earned money to advertise products on polo shirts and T-shirts was, yes, INSANE.

But times change. People also used to think arguing over the differences between Diet Coke and Diet Pepsi was INSANE! Can you imagine?! No significant difference! (Obviously they just didn't understand. We know better now. Diet Pepsi gets you high. But Diet Coke gets you high AND makes you like yourself.)

So clearly we are insane people living in insane times doing insane things to make the world safe for moderately positive, slightly inspiring Corporations*. I have no fear that my corporate masters will ever lose track of me on some faraway foreign freedom pasture. I'M BRANDED.

* a.k.a. Lifestyles. The difference in definition between "corporation" and "lifestyle" is shrinking by as much as 9% per year.