The Conspiracist

REPUBLICANS Will Elect First Black Man or White Woman President!!!

Administrator — Fri, 13 Jul 2007 15:27:19 +0000

You heard it here first, people! Republicans will be reponsible for electing the next President of the United States. And he/she is going to be the nation’s first black man or white woman President. And he/she is going to be Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton!

If Democrats had their way, we long ago would have had a Woman President, a Black President, a Native American President, a Penguin President. They don’t care, they think everyone can have a turn, as long as they get their sex, drugs, rock-and-roll, iPhones and Priuses.

It is the refined, tradition-bound tastes of Republicans that have kept the Presidency in the hands of rich white men. But, after more than two hundred years of stable sameness, Republicans have finally decided it’s time for a black or female President. They’re going to make it happen!

Every day, across America, millions of Republicans get letters and emails imploring them to make political contributions for Republican causes. The primary appeal in these solicitations is this: “Do you want Hillary to be President?!?!?!?!?”

The initial response among these Republicans is to shout, “Hell, no!” while reaching for the checkbook (which is next to the guns). But the secondary response is to ACTUALLY IMAGINE a world with Hillary as President.

It’s even more fun than imagining winning the lottery! (which most of them also do on a daily basis)

A U.S. of A. with a President Hillary would be…would be…almost unspeakably…HORRIBLE. It would be…it would be…a sign…of the End Times. It would be…the beginning…of The Apocalypse. IT WOULD BE AWESOME!!!!!

When you’ve spent your life believing in the End Times, you also hope you’re then when they happen. What a shame to believe in Apocalypse and die before it happens, without having a front row seat! If Hillary becomes President, she’ll destoy the Earth and bring on Judgement Day and all the other groovy things these people have been waiting for, hoping for.

Even for those Republicans who do not yearn for world annihilation, those Stop President Hillary solicitations from Republican causes have imprinted in their minds that it’s POSSIBLE for a woman to be President, specifically Hilllary. Not only possible, but INEVITABLE. Otherwise, why would the RNC be so worried about it???

Okay, I know what you’re thinking. People (including Republicans) became comfortable with the idea of a woman President from watching that ABC show COMMANDER IN CHIEF, where Gina Davis played the President and got off on nuking bad guys.

But nobody watched that show! It only lasted ONE season!

One show that people DO watch is 24, which has had not ONE but TWO black Presidents. The second one was the brother of the first one. (Which is the best qualification for being President–being the son of a President, the wife of a President, or the sibling of a President?)

24 is created by hard-core conservatives who believe terrorists and evildoers are all around us. And they clearly believe THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO CAN PROTECT US ARE BLACK PRESIDENTS. (The fact that show producers keep assasinating or attempting their own black Presidents is sending mixed messages.)

So thanks to the right wing wackos who bring us 24, we have all imagined a world with a black man as President. And it’s pretty good. America rocks in this world!!

So it’s INEVITABLE. Our next President, whether Hillary or Barack, will be a woman or a black man, and REPUBLICANS WILL HAVE MADE IT ALL POSSIBLE!!!

The Topic of CANCER!!!!!!!

Administrator — Thu, 05 Apr 2007 15:00:41 +0000

Sad news recently, people, in the world of politics. Elizabeth Edwards, wife of former Senator and current Democratic candidate for President John Edwards, announced that her breast cancer has returned with a vengeance, tearing through her body with lethal force. On the Republican side, Presidential Press Secretary Tony Snow announced that his colon cancer has returned and spread to his liver.

It would seem that cancer is a cancer on the body politic. This would be an incorrect reading of the situation!

The Situation, as usual, is much more nefarious, people!

Here’s the deal. John and Elizabeth Edwards said they’re not going to let her cancer stop him from running for President. Which sparked a round of speculation in the media. How can he keep going when his family is in crisis? What kind of man would do this? What kind of message does this send to the children?

Followed by another round of speculation. Will John Edwards get bonus pity points because his wife has cancer? What does this do for the John Edwards brand? Did he, perhaps, cause her cancer in order to boost his candidacy, and if so, does that make him the second or third most devious person ever to run for President?

Then the White House announced that Tony Snow’s cancer has returned. And some in the media couldn’t help but note the timing–seemingly devised to get the Edwardses off the front page and replace them with a Republican, prompting further speculation. Will this improve the President’s approval ratings? Can we give cancer to the insurgents, or would that just boost their support on the Arab street? Can Republicans even get cancer? Is that even allowed?

It’s sick, people, to talk about sick people in this manner!

The Truth is, the Media is a cancer on cancer.

Cancer is a noble disease. It deserves our respect. We should not allow cancer to be treated in this way by our Media. If some politician or celebrity or sports hero or literary giant or homeless person has cancer, we should treat him/her respectfully, give him/her a pass, assume he/she is not exploiting his/her cancer for personal gain. Even if it’s obvious he/she is doing so. Even if he/she publishes a book called “How My Battle With Cancer Helped Me Lose Weight and Plan for Retirement.”

We should not do the same for other diseases and afflictions. Shin Splints. Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. Fair game. If Bill Richardson says he has Cell Phone Ear, if John McCain complains of Dry Mouth, let’s have at ‘em. Tear ‘em apart for being pity-seeking whiners. But not cancer.

When talking about cancer, let’s just stick to the Topic of Cancer!!!

America’s Anti-Conspiracy Conspiracy–GET PARANOID, PEOPLE!!!!

Administrator — Thu, 18 Jan 2007 19:49:59 +0000

We Americans are way too likely to trust our institutions. Sure, we have a few whackos (visionaries?) who claim that Timothy McVeigh was the fall guy for the FBI or that a cabal of Masons really killed JFK. But for the most part, we attribute failure to “bad apples” and success to hard work. Wake up, people! Get paranoid!

Americans are, by nature, less paranoid than other peoples. Someone once said that if you want people in the Middle East to believe you about something, you’ll need to frame it in the form of a conspiracy. Great approach! Those Middle Easterners are on to something! Why? Because believing in a conspiracy motivates people to take action!

Look at some recent events that were OBVIOUSLY driven by conspiracies.

The Abu Ghraib prison mess. OBVIOUSLY there was widespread torture and abuse. And OBVIOUSLY it was policy to torture and abuse prisoners. But we’re told the bad deeds were the work of a “few bad apples” and there’s no conspiracy and so we shouldn’t worry, we should go back to working and shopping and surfing the Internet in our pajamas–evil has not been done in our names, and we can sleep peacefully at night. We wanted to believe this bedtime story, so we did, despite THE EVIDENCE.

Another example. The 2000 Presidential Election. OBVIOUSLY stolen. I’m not even talking about partisan politics here. Not judging the “winner.” Not advocating for the “loser.” Just stating the facts that are obvious to all paranoid peoples around the world. But not to us Americans. We don’t want to believe in the conspiracy–therefore, it was a very close race decided by our upstanding institutions–the election process, the Supreme Court, and a bunch of patriotic lawyers. And Santa Claus. And Jesus.

So has anything changed with these issues? Has torture in Our Names been ended? Will the next President be elected legitimately? No, No and No. (Or Maybe, Maybe and Maybe. There’s no way of knowing for sure!!!!!!!!) By WANTING to BELIEVE in our INSTITUTIONS and in BAD APPLES and in GOOD INTENTIONS and HARD WORK and in THE BEDTIME STORIES OUR MEDIA MASTERS TELL US, we don’t fix our problems, we don’t live up to our own ideals, and we don’t get angry enough to do anything about it. Being paranoid and getting angry GET IN THE WAY of watching UGLY BETTY on our iPods.

Have you ever tried to watch UGLY BETTY on your iPod while feeling paranoid and angry? You can’t do it!!!!! There’s a conspiracy to make us not be paranoid.

Q: What’s the opposite of paranoid?
A: WATCHING UGLY BETTY ON YOUR iPOD! BELIEVING YOUR VOTE WILL COUNT! SLEEPING SOUNDLY AT NIGHT!

If you love America, get PARANOID!

RESIST THE ANTI-CONSPIRACY CONSPIRACY!!!

Franklin’s Revenge — THE TURKEY-INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX!!!

Administrator — Thu, 23 Nov 2006 17:51:34 +0000

Legend has it that Rotund Founder Ben Franklin wanted the turkey to be our National Symbol, but that the turkey lost out to the mighty eagle. Franklin is said to have been disappointed but accepting of the defeat. Unlikely!

Secret government records recently released through a Freedom of Information request show Franklin was gleeful about the turkey losing to the eagle, writing to Fellow Founder Samuel Adams, “Tis a great and wondrous thing that the eagle has defeated my champion, the turkey, which tastes especially delicious with your beer. You, my friend, are a Brewer and a Patriot, a Brewer-Patriot, if you will.”

Huh?

Q: Why would our Wiliest Founder nominate the turkey for National Symbol and then celebrate its loss?

A: Our own Benjamin Franklin was the progenitor of the now-ubiquitous Turkey-Industrial Complex! The Franklin family (and the vast extended family of all of his love children) continues to reap rewards from the metastasizing Turkey-Industrial Complex.

Benjamin Franklin was perhaps our smartest Founder. He knew then what holds true today–America loves underdogs. Specifically, America loves to EAT underdogs. The best way to pave a path from eating an eagle here, a turkey there to EATING BILLIONS of STUFFED TURKEYS EVERY THANKSGIVING, CHRISTMAS AND EASTER was to turn the turkey into an underdog–hence the so-called competition for National Symbol.

Truth is, turkeys are much less delicious than eagles. Much less! But Founding Father Charles Thompson was much less wily than Benjamin Franklin. He proposed that the eagle be our National Symbol, hoping to lose to the turkey and thus pave the way for the growth of the Eagle-Industrial Complex (his brother Thomp Thompson had already established the nation’s first-and-last eagle farm, which produced at its peak two thousand delicious eagles per month). The eagle won, the turkey lost, and today we eat turkeys and revere eagles.

There are many birds that are tastier than turkeys! Not just eagles, but condors, falcons and spotted owls! Fight for the right to eat tastier meats for the holidays!

RESIST THE TURKEY-INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX!!!

THE TRI-TIP COMMISSION — Cholesterol Communism!!!

Administrator — Sun, 12 Nov 2006 17:33:10 +0000

This shadowy group openly flaunts its on-the-surface seemingly-American agenda of heavy meat consumption. But The Tri-Tip Commission’s true intentions are truly nefarious, anti-American and even…they’re still here, people!…communist!

Yes, America was founded on meat, and America’s continued success depends upon meat. The raising of meat. The butchering of meat. The cooking of meat. The eating of meat. The digestion of meat. The remembrance of meat. Who doesn’t love meat? Sissies and the insane!

The Tri-Tip Commission has one of the HEROES of meat in its name. Tri-Tip is the JOHN WAYNE of meat. With such an honorable meat in its name, The Tri-Tip Commission would seem to honor meat the way meat is meant to be honored. But this is a deception. The Tri-Tip Commission does more to promote a communal lifestyle than any hippie yoga class or Wednesday Night book club.

You can see their operatives at parks across America on Sunday afternoons. You can see them in backyards. They chat “amiably” with neighbors, apparently fostering community and generating goodwill among neighbors while standing over that most-American of foodstuffs–burning, smoking meat.

What do they talk about while tending to their “barbecues”? They talk about family, friends, Jesus and football. Family! Friends! Jesus! Football! Could it be more obvious?! These are topics that are meant to be discussed in PRIVATE, with TRUSTED ASSOCIATES, away from the prying ears of AMERICA-HATERS–not out in the open, the way people talk about celebrities! Who talks about these things so openly? Only a shadowy group with nefarious intentions!

Do not let these so-called bastions-of-civic-pride destroy America and her meat in this way! Do not get taken in by their sumptuous smoke and their tasty morsels!

RESIST THE TRI-TIP COMMISSION!

INTERNATIONAL JEWISH BAKERS — Carb Conspiracy!

Administrator — Fri, 10 Nov 2006 21:41:45 +0000

For centuries, many have feared the insidious tentacles of The International Jewish Bankers. Off by one letter, people! These fears have been misplaced and instead should have been centered on The International Jewish Bakers.

This secretive cabal openly promotes its carbohydrate-laden lifestyle with the stated goal of “A bagel in every mouth by next Spring.”

The International Jewish Bakers are almost certainly responsible for undermining the glorious Atkins Revolution, which put more red meat than ever in the clenched guts of red-blooded Americans–until reports came out claiming all that meat is bad for you.

Who commissioned these reports? Isn’t it obvious? These meat-beating lies were spread by this cabal of bakers that promotes bagelry as the one-and-only true food source!

A clue to this cabal’s true intentions can be found in the “lox” they foist upon their bagels. These “lox” are a type of fish product, and they hold the key to a deeper bread-and-fishes conspiracy that involves not just The International Jewish Bakers, but the Seafaring Asiatic Conglomerates (SAC), the Cream Cheese Council and the Catholic Church.

RESIST THE INTERNATIONAL JEWISH BAKERS!

THE BALSAMIC TEMPLE — Vinegar Inquisition!

Administrator — Thu, 26 Oct 2006 18:40:12 +0000

This ancient, secretive association has been promoting a swishy lifestyle for centuries. Once you have been made aware of The Balsamic Temple, evidence of their nefarious deeds will shout at you from the menu of nearly every sit-down restaurant and cafe in America. And a visit to the home of so-called Americans with so-called advanced degrees is a journey into the treacherous lair of The Balsamic Temple.

Watch for these tell-tale signs:

– Garden-fresh basil
– Fresh hand-crafted mozzarella
– Sun-ripened, organic heirloom tomatoes
– Balsamic vinegar (of course)
– And EXTRA virgin olive oil As if REGULAR virgin isn’t virgin enough. As if the state of America’s virginity isn’t already insecure enough!Don’t believe the hype!Freshness does not equal BETTER. Freshness just equals FRESHER. STALE is GOOD ENOUGH! AMERICA was built on STALE and GREASY and CRUSTY!

RESIST THE BALSAMIC TEMPLE!

The Conspiracist — Manifestito

Administrator — Fri, 20 Oct 2006 19:25:17 +0000

AS OF TODAY, THE CONSPIRACIST IS HERE TO IDENTIFY ALL OF OUR ENEMIES.

DANGER IS HIGH, BUT AWARENESS IS LOW.

THE CONSPIRACIST VOWS TO INCREASE AWARENESS.

THERE’S NOT MUCH WE CAN DO ABOUT DECREASING DANGER, THOUGH.

THIS IS A DANGEROUS WORLD, PEOPLE!!!