The Conspiracist

You heard it here first, people! Republicans will be reponsible for electing the next President of the United States. And he/she is going to be the nation’s first black man or white woman President. And he/she is going to be Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton!

If Democrats had their way, we long ago would have had a Woman President, a Black President, a Native American President, a Penguin President. They don’t care, they think everyone can have a turn, as long as they get their sex, drugs, rock-and-roll, iPhones and Priuses.

It is the refined, tradition-bound tastes of Republicans that have kept the Presidency in the hands of rich white men. But, after more than two hundred years of stable sameness, Republicans have finally decided it’s time for a black or female President. They’re going to make it happen!

Every day, across America, millions of Republicans get letters and emails imploring them to make political contributions for Republican causes. The primary appeal in these solicitations is this: “Do you want Hillary to be President?!?!?!?!?”

The initial response among these Republicans is to shout, “Hell, no!” while reaching for the checkbook (which is next to the guns). But the secondary response is to ACTUALLY IMAGINE a world with Hillary as President.

It’s even more fun than imagining winning the lottery! (which most of them also do on a daily basis)

A U.S. of A. with a President Hillary would be…would be…almost unspeakably…HORRIBLE. It would be…it would be…a sign…of the End Times. It would be…the beginning…of The Apocalypse. IT WOULD BE AWESOME!!!!!

When you’ve spent your life believing in the End Times, you also hope you’re then when they happen. What a shame to believe in Apocalypse and die before it happens, without having a front row seat! If Hillary becomes President, she’ll destoy the Earth and bring on Judgement Day and all the other groovy things these people have been waiting for, hoping for.

Even for those Republicans who do not yearn for world annihilation, those Stop President Hillary solicitations from Republican causes have imprinted in their minds that it’s POSSIBLE for a woman to be President, specifically Hilllary. Not only possible, but INEVITABLE. Otherwise, why would the RNC be so worried about it???

Okay, I know what you’re thinking. People (including Republicans) became comfortable with the idea of a woman President from watching that ABC show COMMANDER IN CHIEF, where Gina Davis played the President and got off on nuking bad guys.

But nobody watched that show! It only lasted ONE season!

One show that people DO watch is 24, which has had not ONE but TWO black Presidents. The second one was the brother of the first one. (Which is the best qualification for being President–being the son of a President, the wife of a President, or the sibling of a President?)

24 is created by hard-core conservatives who believe terrorists and evildoers are all around us. And they clearly believe THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO CAN PROTECT US ARE BLACK PRESIDENTS. (The fact that show producers keep assasinating or attempting their own black Presidents is sending mixed messages.)

So thanks to the right wing wackos who bring us 24, we have all imagined a world with a black man as President. And it’s pretty good. America rocks in this world!!

So it’s INEVITABLE. Our next President, whether Hillary or Barack, will be a woman or a black man, and REPUBLICANS WILL HAVE MADE IT ALL POSSIBLE!!!

This entry was posted on Friday, July 13th, 2007 at 3:27 pm and is filed under Warnings, Of Apocalyptic Consequence, Don't Trust the Government. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.